Reflections on desire - clinging on to that AUM festival feeling

This year for the first time I went to AUM New Years Eve festival. In previous years our adult children arrive for Xmas, stay a few days and then head off for their New Years festivities. My husband and I often just sit around waiting for them to return, so this year we decided we would head away ourselves and attend the AUM festival in Southhead, Kaipara.

We took our self-contained caravan with our own toilet. What complete luxury!!!!!

I loved every minute of AUM. I loved the happy, chilled vibe. I loved dancing until the early hours of the morning (not as late as the young folk though 😊). I loved having a drink or two. I loved eavesdropping on the many varied and interesting conversations. I loved making up life stories for people I didn’t know – I am a psychologist after all!!

And I loved feeling “normal” for a period of time rather than identifying as a person living with cancer. No one there knew I had cancer. No one treated me differently. Cancer did not hold me back in doing what I wanted to do. I was like every other person there – just having fun.

We left AUM on the 2nd January and within 24 hours I was sitting in the chemotherapy chair receiving round 20 of treatment.  What a sudden change of circumstances and feelings.

The switch between the different opposite experiences and feelings - between feeling free and “normal” at AUM and then the opposite experience of being fully in the “cancer role” - felt jarring and sudden. There was very little transition between these two experiences.

As a result, I noticed I resisted cutting off my AUM entry wristband. I wanted to hang on to the happy, chilled, relaxed vibe for as long as possible and that wristband was a tangible reminder of that.

I spent some time reflecting on my resistance, my “clinging” to my wrist band and my desire to hold onto those lovely feelings.

In the yogic world there are different viewpoints about desire. Many yogic perspectives see desire as something which causes suffering and needs to be overcome eg Patanjali Sutras see desire (raga) as one of the five kleshas or obstacles to finding peace or samadhi. He suggested identifying the desire, sitting with it, acknowledging and then letting it go.

The yogic perspective I practice and teach within is the non-dualistic perspective of NST (nondual Saiva Tantra). In comparison with other perspectives, NST does not see desire as something to be avoided or repressed, rather it can even be seen as a means to liberation and freedom. We are human beings, and within NST we are given permission to feel everything, desire included. Desire is seen as divine as any other feeling.

However, when the Tantrics are talking about desire, they are not talking about everyday delusion-based desire or ordinary desire e.g. when I get something e.g. new shoes, new car, chocolate I will be free/at peace/liberated. According to the NST perspective, desire for an external source (that AUM feeling) is really a desire for the feeling that we believe that external source will give us – that feeling of peace/feeling free/equanimity.  This feeling we want from the external source is the feeling we get when we return to our grounded felt sense of Being, our Essential Nature, Consciousness (or whatever words you choose to use to reflect your experience). That is, we desire to be who we really are in our fullness and wholeness which we always are. Always. We are not lacking in anything and don’t need any fulfillment of an external desire to feel whole and complete.

In my own reflection, I had to ask myself what I was really desiring. Was I really desiring to be back at AUM and experiencing that chilled vibe and freedom the AUM wrist band represented or was there something deeper at stake here? Was my desire really a reflection of my deep heart felt desire to return to my grounded felt sense of Being and the feelings of calm and peace and equanimity – all of which I experienced at AUM? At AUM I was my true embodied self most of the time – doing yoga, dancing until late and simply walking.

Once again, my practices helped me navigate this situation and get clarity on what was going on for me so I could cut my wrist band off.

First, I leant deeply into the somatic experience of my desire (from the heart and body rather than the head) and I experienced it as fully as I could. I focused on where I felt it in my body and what cells were lighting up.  

And then I leant into the opposite of this desire which we could call aversion – where did I feel that in my body? What did the opposite feel like - that feeling of sitting in the chemo chair and being in that “cancer role”?

And then I felt into both at the same time – a natural portal to accessing that grounded felt sense of Being, Essential Nature, that feeling of wholeness, of true peace and equanimity.

I also spent time contemplating the situation in meditation– what did my heart really desire vs my head and its desire. What was the desire lying underneath me clinging to my wrist band?

And these practices helped me realise that this grounded felt sense of Being and feeling complete and whole (the AUM feeling) was with me all the time and I could access it whenever I wanted. I could feel it whether I was at home sick with Covid post festival or sitting in the chemo chair. It is never not there. I did not need a wrist band for that.

I cut my wrist band off. I have added it to my alter as a reminder of all that it represents – that I don’t need an external source to return home to my grounded felt sense of Being.

 It is never not there.