48 hours from a yoga retreat to paralysis

That sounds like a very dramatic and flippant heading but has, in fact, been my reality over the last 2 -3 weeks.

I taught one of my beloved ACC funded Embodied Self Care retreats on Saturday March 2nd. I did note to my daughter Poppy and later to my co-facilitator Mari that my legs felt a bit “wobbly”. I had also had a sore back for 2 weeks but thought this was bursitis in my shoulder as I had last year. I completed the retreat and drove home to Waipu. My legs remained “wobbly” that night.

I woke on Sunday morning and was unable to stand without aid. After speaking with my oncologist, I was sent to A&E in Whangarei and admitted on Sunday overnight. After an MRI early Monday morning I was transported by ambulance to the Acute Oncology Ward, Auckland Hospital. Early Tuesday morning I had a pre radiation CT scan and began the first of five radiation treatments that afternoon. That same afternoon I lost full mobility of my legs. A tumour had compressed my spinal cord at T4.

Whilst it may take a month or so to feel the full impact of radiation, the stark reality is that they don’t expect any change in the mobility of my legs. I was discharged home to Waipu yesterday, leaving hospital in a wheelchair and that is my reality going forward.

Literally 48 hours from a yoga retreat to paralysis.

This has all happened so quickly that I am struggling to process it all. It has been a whirlwind of feeling, encompassing ALL the emotions. It was challenging sharing a ward with other people and not being able to howl and grieve loudly like a wounded animal, which was what I needed to do. I was fortunate enough to have a Health Psychologist offer to book a private room for me, bring black coffee (always so important in hospital) and simply witness my loud grief. She didn’t feel the need to pat my hand, hold me or do anything to change what I was doing. She was simply a profound witness which felt very healing. Her comment was – “your wairua needs to go home” and that is what I spent the next week dong, just getting home.  

And in between the challenges and the grief, there has been incredible kindness, from every person who worked in the hospital to the family and friends who visited, rubbed my feet, painted my toes, brought me yummy food, took me out to the domain in my wheelchair to feel the sun on my face and delivered that very important morning coffee.

So I have returned home and navigating a new reality of life in a wheelchair. I miss rolling on the ground and my floor based practices. I have not been on the earth for 2 weeks now and I can feel that disconnect. I need to get grounded. I need to feel that support of mother earth. She is calling me. I know that is partly where the healing is going to happen.

And as for my Embodied Yoga and Cancer classes, I will continue them but from a wheelchair. Yoga is about flexibility – but flexibility from the perspective of being able to adapt to life and its challenges rather than from a physical perspective eg having long ham strings! So lets adapt! But I will postpone next week’s class and give myself some breathing space to get familiar with my new routines.

This latest challenge has made me review the current business model for these classes and I have decided these are about the joy for me in delivering them.  Cancer and a spinal cord injury are not robbing me of that.  So, all classes going forward will be Pay what you want option.  

I will keep you posted as I navigate this new life in a wheelchair, start a new chemotherapy next week whilst managing the side effects in a wheelchair and immerse myself in the beauty of nature at home.