Living with “incurable” cancer - and refinding my voice

I love writing these blogs but recently have been feeling stuck and unable to write. I have sat with my “stuckness” with curiosity (and kindness) and have come to realise that I feel blocked because I am currently unable to write with any honesty about my current cancer situation. I have been writing about my cancer journey but not revealing the whole truth. Therefore, I am unable to write with any honesty or authenticity - my authentic voice feels bottled up and restrained.

The whole truth (which does partly feel like the unspeakable truth hence my reticence) is that I am living with “incurable” cancer. When I was diagnosed almost 15 months ago in September 2022, the cancer had already spread (or metastasised) to other parts of my body beyond the stomach.  I was told I had stage 4 cancer, and any treatment was focused on extending survival time and quality of life rather than “curing”.

As you may or may not be able to imagine, this was such a traumatic time for both me and my family – I underwent so many emotions - shock, disbelief, anger (why me???), and so much grief and loss about my instantly changed future.

We did share this news with family and close friends – my husband and I made a distinction about “the whole truth” and “the half-truth” and made conscious decisions about who received which version of the truth.

There are many reasons why I am sharing this “whole truth” more widely now.  

The first is that I have come to a place (or a continued arriving to a place) of radical acceptance about my cancer journey. Rather than spending my time wishing the situation was different, I can now accept it for what it is. I have stage 4 incurable cancer. It is likely I will face death before I had anticipated I would.

The second is that I want to find my writing “voice” again and I can only do that from a place of authenticity and honesty.

Thirdly, I am sharing my story in the hope it supports someone else on their cancer journey. I know when I was first diagnosed, I wanted to read about other people’s experiences, those in a similar situation to me. But I couldn’t find anything. I have found a few useful books since and they are so comforting to read. If these blogs can be useful to one single person, they are worth it. They are also a great form of therapy for me and a record of my experiences for when I am no longer here. Because that day will come sooner for me than other people. But who knows when that will be!!!

Finally, it is also an explanation for why my cancer journey remains at the forefront of my world. I will not “complete” treatment and then resume a new normal life like many people who have experienced cancer.  For those in that situation, their cancer journey can be left behind (albeit with the shadow of cancer always being there). I remain in treatment to continue to extend my life - until the treatment is no longer working or my body can no longer tolerate it. Again. who knows when that will be?????

I am not writing this to be pitied.

I am not writing this to be praised.

I am writing this to be understood.

I am writing this so I can rediscover my embodied voice and write authentically from my heart.

It’s quite normal not to know what to say in response to news like this. And I don’t need any responses 😊.

But right now, scans show my cancer is stable and not spreading further (that is a huge win) and I continue with my integrative approach to healing (and therein lies a future blog – the difference between “curing” and “healing”). My focus is on healing and learning to “live” with cancer as a long-term health condition.

I feel well, vibrant and with a strong life essence. I continue to do the work I love which gives me purpose and meaning. I am living my best life. Slow, mindful and present.

I live each day feeling blessed that I am still here. What a huge lesson to learn from cancer.