I am losing my hair-and it hurts

I have started another round of chemotherapy and this time I’m losing my hair.

On the previous chemotherapy, my hair thinned. This is a different chemotherapy and one of the side effects is temporary alopecia.  

My third round of chemotherapy is this week and my hair loss has started as anticipated. I first noticed it when I found hair in my food -much more than usual! Then I just started finding hair everywhere! It is falling out hair by hair rather than clumping.

The bit I didn’t expect is that it would hurt. I first noticed this on the weekend. My scalp felt tender, like I had worn a pony tail the wrong way. And there was some itching and tingling. I googled this and found it is really normal.  And it really does hurt. The only way to reduce pain is to cut my hair short and take painkillers. How bizarre!

I am now preparing for full hair loss. I have some beautiful scarves ready and waiting. Te Whatu Ora provide $400 towards wigs or scarves.  I have also been gifted some by thoughtful, loving friends. I am ready.

I asked my support group from Aratika Trust about their experiences of hair loss and how they prepared for hair loss. Some told me their hair hurt for months – not what I was wanting to hear.  Some people went right ahead and shaved their heads in anticipation of their hair loss. Others waited and hung on whilst their hair fell out in clumps. Some had a shorter hair cut in preparation for the full hair loss. This is the path that felt right for me – particularly as I am heading to Tonga for a week’s holiday, and I don’t want to be dealing with clumping hair on holiday with a pair of nail scissors!

Pragmatically, I am prepared and ready for alopecia. Psychologically and emotionally, I am less prepared. On deep reflection, there are two aspects to the hair loss for me:

(1)    With alopecia, there is a loss of control about who I tell I have cancer.  Whilst many people know I have cancer (and yes, I blog about it publicly too which is ironic!), there are also many people who don’t know. What has been private to me (having cancer), now becomes public. Right now, I look like everybody else. There are people in my local community where I shop, play golf, do yoga, walk on the beach etc who don’t know I have cancer. Soon they will all know something is going on with me health wise. My private life becomes more public. My cancer story is no longer just mine or for those whom I have chosen to share it with. Everywhere I go from now on, people will know. This feels very exposing and a loss of sense of control in one aspect of this cancer journey.

 (2)    Given that people I both do and don’t know will all now know I have cancer, I fear both being pitied and slotted into a “sick” role and treated differently.  Right now, I feel really well. I don’t feel “sick” at all apart from the side effects of the chemotherapy. I play golf, do long walks on the beach, do yoga, strength workouts, garden and I feel great. Yes, there are days when I am tired, and I rest. But I don’t look “sick” – in fact, I look really well!!  Losing my hair is going to make me look “sick”. It is a very visible sign that I have cancer (or some other health related condition). I don’t want pity as there is no reason to pity me. I am living my best life and so happy and grateful for what I have. I don’t want to be treated as a sick person as I am not currently unwell.

 I feel like I want to print a T-Shirt to wear – “Yes I have cancer but I am not sick. Please don’t treat me differently”.

And I know this fear of being seen as sick is from my own deep-seated beliefs that being sick is less or not as desirable as being healthy. Sick members of a tribe did not survive. Having cancer is part of who I am now, it is part of my identity. I may have cancer, but I do not need to buy into a “sick” role, and I can resist other people putting me there also. I need to own this as “my” stuff rather than it being anyone else’s stuff and project it on to others.

I can also use my nondual practices and keep returning to my underlying Essence Nature or True Nature – in this place I am always whole and healthy and healed – despite having cancer. When I meditate daily, this is what I remember, that I am more than my physical body (my form) and my formless self is calm and peaceful and still and not in need of changing or fixing. I am already whole and healed. And that remembering brings a sense of comfort and ease.  

I can also work with opposites as we do in iRest yoga nidra.  This helps both with psychological integration as a human being living in this challenging world. And spiritually or soulfully it is another portal to remembering our Essence  Nature, who we really are.

Practicing with opposites

Find a comfortable seat or lying down position.

Eyes open or closed, allow yourself to arrive and settle.

Set an intention for your practice – working with opposites – any you choose to work with. Identify them before you practice.

Scan your body for sensations that are naturally arising. You might want to sit with these sensations for a few breaths.

Notice the quality of your breath without needing to change or fix it.

Start with feeling your way into the first opposite – in my case vulnerability and exposure.  Notice where you feel in that in your body? What sensations arise? Feel into it as much as you can but stay within your window of tolerance or what you can sit with safely. Stay with this for a few minutes. Then you can switch and sense into its opposite – in my case feeling strong and courageous.  And notice where the sensations arise for this opposite. Move back and forward a few times between the opposites, really feeling your way into them.

Now hold them both in your awareness at the same time and notice what happens as you do so. You are changing neural networks in your brain and are opening to your Essential Nature. Sit with this for a few minutes and enjoy the bliss.

I always love to journal my experience afterwards. Which opposite could you sense more? Where did you feel the different opposites in your body? What was your experience as you sensed into both opposites at the same time?

 And with vulnerability, I always come back to Brenee Brown and her vulnerability prayer: “Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen”, even when I can’t control the outcome, when there is risk and emotional exposure. Being vulnerable is being courageous. And I need to show up to myself and feel that vulnerability in its entirety. Until I am no longer fearful of it or want to lean away from it.

As I go out in public, I need to wear my headscarves with pride and just keep reminding myself how strong I feel inside. That is all that matters.

I am me. I am healthy. I have cancer and I am feeling strong and well. #fuckcancer