The Weepy Week-lessons in acceptance, surrender and self-compassion

I am calling last week “The Weepy Week”!

I started weeping on the weekend and intermittently cried until the following weekend. I never knew it was possible to shed so many tears within such a short time span.  

I wept with my CEO on the phone.  

I cried at work meetings during check ins.

I cried by myself at home.

I wept with my partner.

I cried at ukulele practice with my fellow ukuladies.

I even cried on my Auckland neighbour’s shoulder in the driveway when he asked how I was!!

Yes, it was certainly The Weepy Week, the week of weeping…..

I can sit back now and reflect on the many triggers for the weeping. At the time I just felt caught up in it.

The triggers included:

I was deeply tired and fatigued as I developed colitis as a reaction to my immunotherapy treatment which is quite common. This colitis lasted for a month which was exhausting and depleting. I was not left with a lot of energy in my tank, making me more vulnerable to the tears.

I completed the Alps2Ocean cycle journey in March and had an absolute ball cycling 340 km over 6 days in the most beautiful environment and with the best of friends. I kept up physically with the rest of the group. I felt “normal” rather than cancer being at the forefront of all I did. Cancer took a background role for over a week which was so refreshing.  However, it provided to stark contrast to returning to my usual life and having to resume treatment and my focus on remaining well.  That contrast highlighted that this was my life now – that this focus on cancer and wellbeing was how I was going to have to live going forwards. There was no “finish line” where I could put it all behind me.  This was my life and that sense of being normal receded (and hats off to everyone living with a chronic health condition where this is your reality too).

I also completed the toxic chemotherapy in February and was expecting to be feeling great by this time. I thought I would be feeling just the little side effects I had already experienced and have much more energy day to day. The reality was that the side effects were the worst I had experienced to date. Chemotherapy can damage the nerve endings in your fingers and toes (peripheral neuropathy). For the first time ever, this has become a real issue for me. I have little or no feeling in my fingers, toes and feet. This means that doing up my bra and shoelaces is tricky (thank goodness for yoga bras and boots!), using a keyboard is more difficult than usual. Everyday activities such as cooking and hanging out the washing take much more effort.

So many reasons to weep. And it would have been easy to stay in that place of suffering – of sitting with the feelings of anger and frustration and helplessness, of wanting the situation to be different than what it was. I felt I was trying so hard to remain well and yet I wasn’t where I wanted to be.

Then I was fortunate to be reminded by both my acupuncturist and massage therapist that I needed to accept and surrender, which meant to rest and reset. My body was tired and lacking in energy. I was fluid depleted. I was told to let go and “surrender” to what was arising. Such a great reminder when I was struggling with all that suffering. I realised I had resorted to my previous habitual pattern of ignoring the messages in my body and “pushing through” so I could live the story my mind had created.

So I moved from a place of suffering to  place of acceptance and surrender – I was suffering because my mind had created a story about how things would be at that time and yet the reality was so different. I got caught up in the story as if that was the truth – but it was just a thought arising in my mind.

The process of acceptance for me included dropping from my thinking mind into my body. My mind had created a story about where I wanted to be and had some clear expectations around that.   However, when I felt into my body, the mind quietened. I was able to see more clearly the reality of the situation- and this is the key of acceptance – it is what it is. The reality of what I was experiencing was the reality of what I was experiencing. The suffering arose because I wanted things to be different from what they were.

Once I moved to a place of acceptance and surrender, I came to a place of rest. This was what my body had been telling me I needed. I surrendered my mind to my body and let go of all the stories and thoughts.

And I have rested. I’ve declined invites to play golf. I’ve increased my meditations. I have returned to daily gentle yoga and my embodiment practices. And as always, I have long afternoon naps. My yoga and meditation practice helps me sense into what I need. The practices help me identify expectations as thoughts and stories created by my mind. And the suffering has gone just like that. And I have not wept since!

I just want to thank all those who let me weep with them. I appreciate that you just let me weep. You did not placate me or tell me things would get better. You did not tell me what was going wrong in your life. You held me and hugged me and empathised with me. It was just what I needed. You were kind and compassionate to me. And upon reflection I noticed that I was not being kind or compassionate to myself. I was beating myself up for being so weepy. And I had to remind myself that many people in my situation (and there are 1000s of people living with chronic health conditions) may also feel angry and frustrated and helpless and weepy. And I could place my hand on my heart and acknowledge it was ok to feel all that. With kindness.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

― Lao Tzu