Holding space for myself - because I’m worth it.
One of my favourite aspects of being a psychologist and yoga teacher is the privilege of being able to hold space for others – whether that is in the therapy room or the yoga studio.
After my recent cancer diagnosis, I have intentionally stepped back from holding space for others so I can hold space for myself. And I have been contemplating what this means for both me and others.
Holding space for others
When I talk about holding space for others, I can both sense what it feels like (for me) and conceptualise it.
Holding space for another can feel like:
· welcoming people in their wholeness with a focus on “what has happened to you?” rather than “what is wrong with you?”
· being with people 100%, no matter how they are in that moment or how I am in that moment (my needs become secondary to the other persons)
· listening deeply to the other person – leaning into them to listen both to what is said consciously and what is not said more unconsciously
· allowing emotions to arise in the other person, without needing to change them or fix them
· remaining grounded myself whilst breathing calmly and transmitting calm to the person or people I am holding space for
· sending energy outwards from my heart space to envelope a person or a room of people
· using that heart filled outwards based energy to provide a safe container for others
Holding space for myself
However, when I think of holding space for myself, I am not so sure that I know how it feels or how to conceptualise it. One of the lessons of a long-term illness (like cancer, long covid and multiple other chronic illnesses) is the importance of prioritising holding space for ourselves – and many people, like me, may be very unfamiliar (even uncomfortable) with what this feels like or is how its conceptualised.
After spending some time contemplating holding space for myself, these are my thoughts so far!
Holding space for myself is not that different from holding space for others but my energy and attention is turned inwards entirely towards myself, rather than outwards to someone else. Unfamiliar? You bet! Uncomfortable and leading to feelings like guilt arising? You bet!
Holding space for myself includes:
· welcoming myself just as I am in any moment – grief, anger, joy, fear and all the usual emotions that arise when living with an illness like cancer. This means giving myself space in my day to feel, and be, and journal, rather than keeping busy and distracted and avoiding those feelings #feelthefeels
· finding time to be with myself without others - this is usually my morning meditation where anything that wants to arise can and where I can sit and welcome emotions and thoughts as messengers (what do you want of me? What do you want me to do? What are you wanting to let me know?)
· leaning in and listening deeply to the inner wisdom of my body (e.g. I tried a ketogenic diet recently but my body gave me a firm and resounding NO to a true keto diet!). This also means listening deeply to when I need to rest and when I can be more active.
· remaining grounded and breathing calmly whilst sitting with myself, continually returning to my grounded felt sense of Being
· sending heartfelt energy to myself and visualising enveloping myself with that energy so I’m providing that safe container for myself (particularly in my meditation practice)
· sending heart felt energy, kindness and compassion to the parts of my body impacted by cancer
· acknowledging the feelings arising when having to say no to gatherings (see below) and the subsequent FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)
Holding space for myself also includes setting clear boundaries with others that put my ME and my health at the forefront of everything. Again, I have realised that as a psychologist, yoga teacher, and mother, putting myself first is very unfamiliar and not something I am used to doing. But for the first time in my life, it is so very necessary for my health and wellbeing.
Setting clear boundaries with others means my energy can remain turned inwards to myself rather than being focused outwards to others. And I just need to welcome all the feelings that arise as zi do set these boundaries and put me and my health at the forefront of my and others’ worlds.
Some of the way I hold space for myself by setting boundaries includes:
- Requesting friends meet me for dinner in outside spaces only (particularly given the rise in Covid cases presently)- even on a cold and rainy night
- Saying no to attending larger gatherings held in enclosed spaces given the risk of illness when I am immunocompromised by the chemotherapy. Recently I have had to say No to a dear friends 60th birthday and a work overnight stay on a marae (and then having to welcome severe FOMO!)
- Declining visitors or phone calls when I am tired. I continually check in and ask myself whether this visit or phone call is going to zap my energy or give me energy?
None of this is easy particularly for someone like me who has NOT spent my life putting myself first.
The consequence of setting clear boundaries and putting myself at the forefront is GUILT! Guilt about being a demanding “princess”. Guilt at feeling like a “bad” friend for not attending a party. Guilt at declining a visit or a phone call when you know the other person is ringing or calling by because they care about me.
And as my supervisor recently reminded me, this is unjustified guilt. I acknowledge the guilt that arises, and I also acknowledge that its unjustified guilt. All the actions I am taking have a clear purpose – putting my health first. And I know if I asked other people if they felt hurt or annoyed at me putting myself first, they would say of course not.
I also need to remind myself that I am worth it and worthy of putting myself first. And its starting to feel a little more familiar.
There is also something beautiful about receiving the loving kindness that I have always sent to others in my different life roles (psychologist, yoga teacher, mother, partner etc). Because I am worth it.
